Lent- A Door in the Wall

"If thou followeth a wall far enough, there must be a door in it."

One of my favorite children's books is A Door in the Wall by Marguerite de Angeli.  The story is set in Medieval England and young Robin's dream of being a knight are thwarted by a  separation from his parents, crippling illness, the plague and other circumstances beyond his control.  He is rescued and nursed back to wholeness by a friar, Brother Luke.  It is Br. Luke who assures the bitter young man that every wall must have a door.  A door to place other than the one you are in.
 http://www.amazon.com/Door-Wall-Books-Young-Readers/dp/0440227798


In my last Lenten musings, I focused on walls. The walls we erect between us and others, between us and God.  I was in Tucson and saw walls every time I left the house.  My time in Tucson has ended but during those last few days in the southwest, God opened a door in one of my walls. 





On my trip north to Colorado, I visited the Benedictine Monastery in Pecos, New Mexico.  My only other visit was in 1975 and I have wanted to return ever since.  The monastery chapel was the receptacle for a movement of the Holy Spirit that sealed my heart to God and has remained a touchstone for my spiritual life.  

I had unrealistic anticipation.  You really can't go home again.  
Sometimes home has moved, sometimes you have. 

The trees still frame the adobe structures. My eyes lifted to the same bell tower.  And the bells still ring for lauds and vigils and the daily mass.  There is a timelessness to any monastery that follows Benedict's order of prayer and work. 

 The path didn't lead to the experience I had before or the warm intimacy I expected. The people have changed, the fervor of the charismatic era has ebbed to the more traditional format, monks have come and gone. Even the buildings changed and it took a chance encounter with an elderly woman to confirm that I was not mistaken in my memories.

 But the path still led me there and it was good, both now and all those years ago.

Perhaps God knew what I needed then- a straight and obvious path, an experience that cemented my soul to Himself.  A memory to anchor me and remind me of the day the wind blew through the chapel.  The chapel with closed doors and closed windows.  The physical experience of the power of the Spirit of God.

Now my path feels more like this climb up the hills behind the monastery.

Is this the path? 

Does it need to be this steep?  

Where is it going? 

Is there something at the top or am I just wandering? 

And the next day after my hike, I was sore and had obviously pulled a muscle in my thigh.  I hadn't stretched because I didn't expect the climb.

In my spiritual walk this winter,  I have often forgotten to "stretch", to warm up my soul.  I was busy, I was sick, I was distracted and my quiet times in His presence, my warming up to His still voice were few. And when we are distracted and unaware, the unexpected tough climbs, the news that shakes our soul, the larger world that intrudes on our small world- can be wounding, injuring or even crippling.

In de Angeli's wonderful story, Robin sees his future, the only future he could imagine as the son of a valiant knight, completely changed by his crippling illness.  He was walled into a place he did not want to be.  And it took the wisdom of a godly man to help him see the possibility of a door in his wall.  But sometimes you have to go the length of the wall before the door appears.

The  gate at the monastery at Our Lady of Guadalupe Abbey
Pecos, New Mexico

Sometimes we first need  just a glimpse before we are ready for a door in the wall. 

Monastery doors

Santa Fe, New Mexico

Along the road....
Raton, New Mexico

I don't know where my new open door will lead. Once again, my path appears more like a climb and less like a stroll across a simple bridge. But in this season of Lent, I remember Jesus' somber walk to Jerusalem where He wept over her people.  His heavy climb to the cross. The cross that made it possible for me to be fully part of the great plan of God.  His are the wide open spaces outside the walls I've erected to keep myself safe and secure.  The walls that always have a door if I am willing to walk the length and watch with spiritual eyes for the opening.  

Lent - a season for preparing, for remembering, for finding our door in the wall. 

Lent- walls

As I drive around Tucson, I see walls.   On the East coast there are wood fences, usually hidden by the trees or undergrowth.  No trees, no undergrowth here!  No trees, no wood fences. But lots of stone and stucco and they are so much more visible.  Or perhaps, as a visitor, I'm more aware of them.

Typical wall of a neighborhood

Sometimes they are fancy with patterns...

Or crafted with native stone. 

Sometimes they are white and striking...

sometimes dull and boring. 

Some houses have a "wall" distinguishing it from the street.  Desert style.

Even churches have walls around them.

Standard adobe wall.....

Step back and see the church behind. 

 Not all walls are bad- in the desert, walls keep out snakes and rodents. People need boundaries to feel safe and secure.  We recognize mine from yours.  Even in our inner spaces, we have "walls" in place that guard from improper exposure. We are safe with walls.

But Lent can be a season of hiding behind another kind of wall- the wall of "I gave up chocolate, tv, coffee... for Lent and that's my bit." Or the evangelical wall - "Our church doesn't do Lent, isn't that Catholic?"


But Lent is the season for all of God's people as a body to reflect on the coming death and resurrection of Christ. It is also a wonderful time to examine our hearts and see how we have let the cares of the world, the distractions, the busyness of modern life to dull us to His sacrifice, His love, His heart.

For we also have created walls in our faith life. 

Walls of.....

Busy

Wounded

Distracted

Betrayed

Complacent

Hurt

Tired

This Lent season, as I explore a new geography here in the Southwest, I'm reflecting on the walls I have allowed in my life.  I am trying to be mindful of the ways I distance myself from God.  I am picking at some walls that have put a barrier between me and the fullness of God in my life. I started to say tear down but most of the life of faith isn't that big and dramatic, it is just be aware and faithfully removing yet another stone. 

Sometimes we are concerned that the stones of our inner walls are too firmly set or too big or it is too much work to tackle what's behind the wall.

 Some of my walls are fancy- travel sometimes distracts me. Some of my walls are dull and boring- just being lazy in my time reading His book.  

 If I had to name the wall that most separates me from Jesus, it would be FEAR. 

While I'm brave behind the wheel on a cross country trek; I struggle with fear of what I cannot control. You would think that since the death of my husband- a fear I carried for most of my military marriage, I'd have tackled that wall.  The worst happened and God sustained me. Life continued and it is good.  

But now I fear for my children and their children. I wake at night in irrational panic and wonder what will happen next, when the next shoe will drop.   I fear and I know it is the wall that separates me from the joy, the peace, the love that He desires for me.         For all His people. 

Even the cactus says "Could be danger here!"

But this is a park.
A refuge

A place of beauty and lovely words. 

A place in the urban desert with running water and burbling fountains.
A refuge

http://www.tohonochulpark.org/wordpress/gardens/visit-gardens/

My word for this year is "Relax- God is big"

So God, I'm trying. I'm letting go pebble by pebble, I'm reminding myself of your love. I'm digging out another stone when they worry their way to the surface of my soul.  I am seeking refuge in Your word and with Your people. Within that safe place, within the walls of Your protective love and care, I'm releasing myself to write and examine my fear. I am nourishing myself with the beauty of Your creation- knowing that You also sustain it and sustain me.  You have only goodness toward me.  

^{Phillipians 4:4} Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians+4&version=NIV

Oh, for my walls to be winsome, an invitation to come into a safe refuge and play!