Following Jesus and Idolatry

Argh... such frustration. I hit some key and dumped the first three paragraphs. Time is running out and I have a million things to do. Trust me- the first three paragraphs were awesome and were the perfect introduciton to this random sounding introductory paragraph.  So, dear reader, fill in the blanks ....

So when does hearing the Voice of the Father and following Him into a new season become "I'm doing something so unique and special that somehow I deserve more grace, more breaks, less stress, less doubt."?  Has my grand adventure become my idol?  The goal of my life cannot be to unique and or at least not ordinary. My goal must be to continue  to quiet my heart and hear the Voice of the One who is calling me- whether that leads to travel and sharing or living in a quiet community and baking cookies or thriving in a business.

All of mychoices will lead to doubt and panic and stress whenI'm doing any of this in my own understanding and my own wisdom. When my confidence becomes the engine that drives this train, I am guilty of idolatry. Placing my confidence and trust, my very life outside the Source of life itself is a dangerous thing. Jesus won't let me live comfortably in my own strength and confidence.

 It's the very doubts that drive me to my knees, to cry in the night and to sing, like a child, "When I am afraid, I will trust in Thee, I will trust in Thee, I will trust in Thee. When I am afraid, I will trust in Thee, the God who's Word I praise."  I remember being great with child, Drew, and  rocking the toddler, Scott, as Bill flew night carrier landings in the Mediterranean Sea.  A season of learning to trust in God and His grace for our young family.

Now a new season begins. The birthpangs of this season are every bit as intense and uncomfortable as when I delivered Drew and Bill was still on his way home.  But the baby came, all was fine, Bill wasn't killed at sea, we had more children, life was good. Life is good. But now my trust is even more tested.

Clearly bad things do happen to faithful people.  Bill lived through the Marine Corps but he still died. My babies were beautiful but their lives aren't easy and worry free.  I'm selling the family home and our gathering place in Northern Virginia. My kids will no longer have a reason to return to our family friends, at least not an easy reason.  The animals have to find new homes and that doesn't seem fair.

Was that life a bit of idolatry? Of trusting in good fortune and military security? Of advanced degrees for Bill and dilegent homeschooling for me?  It's easy to set up a good life and ask God to bless it. It's harder to dismantle that life and trust God to guide you into the unknown.  All lives have transistions and changes.  Living a life of faith for me means giving up the idol of "I'm in control and I know what I'm doing." for "When I am afraid, I will trust...."