Why me? For His glory....

In the last nine months, I have deconstructed my house and eliminated a third of my stuff. Stuff like old furniture and clothing and my beloved's tools and uniforms.  Stuff like the contents of junk drawers and  sink cabinets, tupperware and my children's memorabilia.  It's been bittersweet and freeing.
 I've cried again when I thought I was done with tears.

And after three months of spending all the money I should have been spending for the last six years, the maintenance, painting, replacing was done. The house was staged and looked....
amazing. Weird but amazing.  It was not longer my home but a model home waiting for Barbie and Ken to come home.

Or the perfect buyer to make the perfect offer.

Which happened twice....

but I reminded my realtor - a SALE means I get money, she gets money, someone ELSE lives in the house.  Not happening.

When Bill was first diagnosed this song was popular on Christian radio.

Voice Of Truth
   ------Casting Crowns

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I don't know how many times I sang that. And it was comforting.  All the confusing voices in that tumultuous time. Do this, try that, take him here, pray this, meet with this... doctor, healer, Indian chief. 

And after his death, the voices of 'what if...', 'why didn't you...', 'if only....'  echoed in my head and I tried to listen and believe the only Voice I could trust.

Now it's been five years. Life has regained balance. Life is good. But can't I move on. My kids are moving on.  I heard the Voice and bought a house in the West.  All that  is needed to finish this season is to sell this house.  And this house is the voice that mocks my plans and my dreams. 

Sometimes I refer to my "status" and pull the widow card. It can be quite effective and sometimes it embarrasses me to manipulate people with it. Other times I just don't care- Verizon comes to mind. "I need the details of this account and need it in MY name. My husband is DEAD." 

And in my prayer life, the widow comes up more than I'd like to admit. "Really, God, You promise to care for the widow. ( I skip the orphan part since I'm not an orphan but they are usually linked) And He has shown Himself more than able to provide for my needs.  It's for my wants and my timing that He seems to ignore that whole plight of the widow thing.  Then He treats me like any other daughter. 

I will listen and believe

I will listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe 

'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth

And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth

And I have to remind myself, to talk to myself, to listen carefully for that small Voice-  I am his beloved daughter, His delight, His joy. He loves me and looks upon me with good in His heart. But....

His thoughts are just not my thoughts, His plans are not my plans. 

I love the lines -

"But the Voice of truth tells me a different story.The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"

And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory" 

My ideas of His glory are not always His ideas.  Again, I'll admit with embarrassment my feeble prayer in 2008- in the summer, not the fall.  "Please God, keep the economy strong. Show how You care for widows. (In other words, don't let bad stuff happen to me...)  And his Voice was clear - "My glory will be shown when I care for the widows DESPITE the economy".  And within weeks, that was true.  So blame me for the economic meltdown - God wanted to show Himself big to the widows and orphans. And He has. 

So clearly I learned my lesson and would never pray, "God - sell my house (quickly and for top dollar, if possible)- for Your glory (of course)." But then it happened!  Hurrah! That was easy. Thank you, Jesus! 

Well, ok that deal fell through. But then another buyer- hurrah. That was fast!  For Your glory! 

But now my prayer is - "Do you really know what You're doing?"  Inspections, reinspections. Appraisals, more appraisals.  Water tests that expire. Two contracts broken.  Angry people. Destaged house, restaged house.   I'm tired and I want to be done.  Where is the Voice? Where is the glory? 

His thoughts are just not my thoughts, His plans are not my plans. 

Elijah stood in the windstorm and didn't hear the voice of God. He heard it in the small whisper after the storm.  And this season feels like a storm - a storm of emotions and discouragement.  But the whisper is there.  "Be still and know that I am God"

I am learning that God's glory isn't shown in the times when He spares us, it's in the time when He sustains us. We have a great cloud of witnesses and our tenacious clinging in the dark to the Truth revealed in the Light speaks to the watching world.  We become His voice as we speak trust, as we speak peace.  And we speak to our own souls as we repeat what that Voice speaks- 

The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!" 

And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory" 

So I am not just a widow trying to sell her house.  I am His daughter trying to live faithfully. I am His daughter and I will not be afraid.  I am His daughter and I will trust His plans and His ways.  And He can decide about the Glory. 

His thoughts are not my thoughts, His plans are not my plans.