Not looking back....

I am back on the East Coast. I had plans in Texas for this week but they changed so I flew to Virginia. I thought a few days with friends ( including a two day women's retreat) would be a good idea.  It was a good idea but not verywell thought out- no surprise there! 

I should have planned for weeks, not days.  I should have planned a trip south to Abby and seen friends on the way down.  I landed at the Washington airport in the glow of late afternoon sunshine and almost cried DC was so beautiful. I should have planned a day to wander my favorite city and visit friends there. 

What was I thinking? 

People remark about what an adventurer I am- I just flit from space to space, place to place, having one adventure after another.  Well, yes, it appears that way but that also comes with an inherent disadvantage. I'm great at the spontaneous part but not so great on the "think this all through" part.  I told my friend, "I think after I jump, usually on the way down."

So I tend to live with regrets, more regrets than I want to. And my regrets can dishonor the One I claim that I trust in this life, with this life....and for my choices.  

I will come back to the East coast again.  I've told my hostess, who is a dear friend, "Please remind me to plan better and stay longer next time." I hope to contact people earlier to have more leisurely chats. I will give myself more time to play.  And I will not fly with an untreated ear infection and spend precious time finding medical care as soon as I arrive! Next time...

But for today, for this present moment - I will choose to live with acceptance of myself. 

Acceptance of the places where I land, after I leap. 

Because in spite of my Tinkerbell appearance of flitting place to place-  the truth is,  it's hard for me to plan for all the possibilities and consider all the options and put in place a perfect plan that will make all the pieces fall into place.  Hmm.... sounds impossible when I put it that way.

Am I the only one?  Does anyone else wonder about their choices? 

I'm a person who likes changes and than I wonder if I made the "right"changes or the "best" plans?  Why am so hard on myself?   Why do I look back like Lot's wife?  Paul says in Philippians 3,

 "¹³ Beloved, I do not consider that I have made it my own; 

but this one thing I do: 

forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 

¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call 

of God in Christ Jesus.

Or as The Message puts it, 

"Friends, don’t get me wrong:

 By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this,

 but I’ve got my eye on the goal, 

where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. 

I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.

Not turning back- I think of that as abandoning my faith or quitting a marriage. That's not what I'm talking about here- this turning back is just the ever so slight glimpse over my shoulder to see if I have made any mistakes, to find any places where I went to the left when I should have gone to the right.  Like buying airline tickets and thinking, "Wait, I didn't think this out very well."

Or, even worse, the bigger questions, the navel gazing that can keep me up at night- like, "I should have.... bugged him to go to the doctor earlier; recognized the depth of my depression and put my kids in school; sold the house sooner, not sold the house at all."  

Would any of those choices have kept my husband alive, 

my kids more secure,

 my world more safe?  

I hate making mistakes. I hate even wondering if I've made mistakes. But for this day I will choose-  Forgetting what lies behind..... I will press on toward the goal. 

In this case, the goal is small and.... huge. 

My goal is loving myself,  and forgiving myself, trusting Jesus to redeem my choices when I don't think it out as carefully as I could have.  Accepting the fact that I don't see the whole picture,  I don't get to be God.  Accepting that He is on the throne, I'm never going to get it perfect and life isn't safe anyway.  

But life is good.  

I'm growing. My kids are figuring out life and doing a good job. Bill got to heaven sooner than the rest of us.  And when I look around, I see the good. 

I see my son, MY SON... tenderly cherishing his brand new daughter.

I see myself snuggling a baby girl- for the rest of our lives together. 

 I see my son growing up to a kind man, a man engaged with his world.
Beginning to walk in hope. 

I see a lovely daughter becoming a great mother - a mother of  a busy little boy,
 a mother who loves well.
. 

And I always see my kids in the kitchen! 

And I don't look back.