Tuesday, February 25, 2014

St Benedict's Feb 8th : Fog

There has been too long of a gap in my posts about my time in Snowmass. But the lessons and somedays, the fog, still echo through my spirit. Life can threaten to obscure the lessons and community of a retreat. For me, it was a blessing to find this draft and reread it, clean it up a bit and revisit my wonderful time in retreat. May it bless you as well.

Snowmass
Feb 2014

A gray flannel of fog settles over the valley.

*Fog- “a cloud of varying size formed at the surface of the earth by condensation of atmosphere vapor and interfering to a greater or less extent with horizontal visibility”

or....Clouds that form low enough to mess with my vision.

*Fog-“ by photographic definition is a dark blur clouding part or all of a developed print or plate.” In the past, the result of distraction in a photography black room.

In my case that week, shooting pictures through a screen produces an interesting “fog”.

Fog, see Obscure

* Obscure- “ Covered. Difficult to discern, inconspicuous, humble. Having little or no light, dim dusky. Ant.- clean, distinct, lucid, obvious”

* See....mysterious, dark. ”Mysterious occurrence contains something unknown, but not necessarily unknowable, while something obscure is hidden but may be brought to the light.”

*All definitions from the Funk and Wagnalls Standard Collegiate Dictionary, 1977.

Fog forces one to slow down, watch carefully, to set aside prior assumptions.

I drive in unfamiliar surroundings, especially in dark or fog, I have a visceral flashback to my childhood. For a moment, I’m a child - once again riding in the backseat, up a narrow, winding canyon road with a roaring river on one side.

As an adult, despite my logical understanding of my current driving terrain- “I’m on flat ground, there is no river, etc,” my brain reverts to that child’s fear and shouts, “Danger!”

This week I am here in Snowmass, Colorado for silence and solitude, to have undistracted days to sink into God’s heart. Sometimes this process feels a bit hidden, obscure- not clear or obvious. I am learning as much as I “know” God loves me and that His heart toward me is good, there are broken places in me.

Something will happen and my subconscious shouts, “Danger! This has hurt you in the past. Protect your heart. He’s not to big enough to handle this.” And I repeat old patterns of self-protection and defense. Anger is always a good back-up emotion. It’s more comfortable and more accessible than my subconscious fear.

So as a winter fog settles over this valley, I am slowing down, laying down old patterns and assumptions. God’s character and His love cannot be experienced nor fully understood only by my logic. I’m entering a fog, so to speak- listening, leaning into my reactions, learning to trust God in new ways.

”Mysterious occurrence contains something unknown,
but not necessarily unknowable,

while something obscure is hidden but may be brought to the light.”

As much as it obscures our vision, fog also holds life giving water. Low clouds shroud this valley and dump their moisture each night.

In this retreat exploring spiritual obscurity and mystery, I can trust Jesus Christ, the Water of Life. For the Son is always present and in due time, all will be revealed.