Confession and Repentence

I am an Alaskan native- not a Native Alaskan, but, nonetheless, I am native as in born there.  Alaskans are the last  true pioneers- we hunt moose, catch salmon and  grow 70 lb cabbages. Our  state is the coolest, AND the BIGGEST- don't you love this visual?





I moved from the coolest, BIGGEST state in the union to Colorado- Coloradoans are also cool but I cannot in good conscience put the coveted green and white native license plate on my car.

Sigh....  I don't even live there any more and my car is registered in another state.  I do wish I had saved my dad's plates- he was a Colorado native  AND an Alaskan pioneer . You can't get any cooler than that.

And cool Alaskans and cooler Coloradoans.....

 well, we hate Texans. 

Texans are loud and obnoxious on Colorado ski slopes. When they visited Alaska, Texans thought I was an Eskimo - to be fair, not many travelled to Alaska in the early '60's but they were probably all obnoxious.   Texans think their state is so cool. 

See?

Obnoxious.

Well, I confess...

to hatred- well, at least, intense dislike of all things Texas and Texans.  Big hair, Cadillacs with cattle horns, and even, big hair WITH gold cattle horns (don't ya love the Google image search) .... 

Then my son, my own firstborn,  marries a Texan.  

A really nice, really smart, really beautiful, really godly.... Texas woman.  When he told me she was all these attributes and more, I said, "Son, marry her- quickly."  He did. She's wonderful. And they've given me my first granddaughter. Also a  Texas native.  And both mother and child have really nice hair- coppery red and not too big.    So far, no cattle have been seen. 

So.... I repent. 

I repent of hatred and even intense dislike. I repent of prejudging and assuming ill of an entire state. 

And after spending a couple of days in Austin (A on the map), today I drove across a portion of Texas- just a portion. As part of my repentance, I will swallow my pride and say, Texas is a truly  big state.  Not the biggest, of course, but big enough.  My drive took hours and hours. It was supposed to be six hours but there was so much to see and photograph, I took me about ten. And I could have taken twice as long. 

My route was west and included Fredricksburg (B), a Bavarian/Texas town and a model of cuteness on steriods- everything is bigger in Texas, including cute towns with interesting histories. Short story- Bavarians fled Europe, settled West Texas.  And for us it's  pretty much shopping. Possibly some big hair. But definitely cute.    http://www.visitfredericksburgtx.com/ 

Nearby is Stonewall, Texas -the Peach Capital of Texas 

http://www.texaspeaches.com/

and Lyndon Baines Johnson's ranch. 

http://www.nps.gov/lyjo/index.htm 

 Johnson City is President Johnson's childhood home and a really fun, little town.  I may do an entire blog on....corrugated steel structures.  My new obsession.

 Hye, Texas boasts the Hye Brother's Whiskey Distillery and has the cutest post office.

  

We all know Texans and their cattle. This was my impression, my prejudice...

Very swishy and shiny. Cattle art.

But instead, on my drive, I saw the Crack of Noon Ranch .

http://hillcountrypremier.com/lodging/properties/crack-of-noon-ranch/ 

and the El Rancho Not So Grande 

with their "cattle"....

Terrible pic- iPhoto is acting up.... the "cattle" are GOATS.  :)

 I love Texas whimsy and a sly sense of humor. Who knew? 

And just east of Fredricksburg is....

Valeskas Iron Works- wholesale to the public! We have all sizes and kinds of Brazilian and Columbian Cowhides as well as patchwork cowhide rugs, furniture, Fire Pits & grills, Rustic Home Decor and Pottery, Antiques and so much More! We have over 4 acres of Rustic western items at the lowest prices anywhere! At valeskas we do our best to satisfy your every need. We even deliver to san antonio and austin! Come Check Us out @- Location(s) 8626 hwy 290 e fredericksburg Texas 78624 & 406 E main street Fredericksburg Texas 78626

The Iron Works was just as messy, confusing and weird as that online reference.  It was fun- my kind of shopping- cheap, negotiable and a bit of digging through dirty stuff.  I'm going home with some cruddy old sliver to hang on my walls.  My nod to the Texas "art" of rusting everything and nailing it on their exterior walls. 

I  plan to use old silver pieces.  Rustic and classy. 

 I did pass on this "wall art".  This head would give me nightmares. 

Hey- how often does "Rustic Home Decor" include stuffed boar heads?
-complete with sawdust.
You should see the "antiques". 

But I've arrived in Alpine (C on the map).  Time to rest.

This place is another story....

Lovely pool... but it's 45 degrees and no, the pool isn't heated.  But it looks good.

If I hadn't just confessed and repented,
I'd be tempted to tuck this mirror in my suitcase.

So, forgive me, Texas.

  

You are a great state and I love the Hill Country especially. 

I wish you Goodwill.... and love this cool store front on a thrift store. 

Your map is pretty cool, especially on corrugated steel. 

And forgive me, Texans.

You are cool. 

And patriotic.  

This sign was right next to the "Texas, my Texas. All Hail the Mighty State" sign.

I saw lots of America flags on my drive.
They aren't really going to secede from the union.

I hope.

I

Not looking back....

I am back on the East Coast. I had plans in Texas for this week but they changed so I flew to Virginia. I thought a few days with friends ( including a two day women's retreat) would be a good idea.  It was a good idea but not verywell thought out- no surprise there! 

I should have planned for weeks, not days.  I should have planned a trip south to Abby and seen friends on the way down.  I landed at the Washington airport in the glow of late afternoon sunshine and almost cried DC was so beautiful. I should have planned a day to wander my favorite city and visit friends there. 

What was I thinking? 

People remark about what an adventurer I am- I just flit from space to space, place to place, having one adventure after another.  Well, yes, it appears that way but that also comes with an inherent disadvantage. I'm great at the spontaneous part but not so great on the "think this all through" part.  I told my friend, "I think after I jump, usually on the way down."

So I tend to live with regrets, more regrets than I want to. And my regrets can dishonor the One I claim that I trust in this life, with this life....and for my choices.  

I will come back to the East coast again.  I've told my hostess, who is a dear friend, "Please remind me to plan better and stay longer next time." I hope to contact people earlier to have more leisurely chats. I will give myself more time to play.  And I will not fly with an untreated ear infection and spend precious time finding medical care as soon as I arrive! Next time...

But for today, for this present moment - I will choose to live with acceptance of myself. 

Acceptance of the places where I land, after I leap. 

Because in spite of my Tinkerbell appearance of flitting place to place-  the truth is,  it's hard for me to plan for all the possibilities and consider all the options and put in place a perfect plan that will make all the pieces fall into place.  Hmm.... sounds impossible when I put it that way.

Am I the only one?  Does anyone else wonder about their choices? 

I'm a person who likes changes and than I wonder if I made the "right"changes or the "best" plans?  Why am so hard on myself?   Why do I look back like Lot's wife?  Paul says in Philippians 3,

 "¹³ Beloved, I do not consider that I have made it my own; 

but this one thing I do: 

forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 

¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call 

of God in Christ Jesus.

Or as The Message puts it, 

"Friends, don’t get me wrong:

 By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this,

 but I’ve got my eye on the goal, 

where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. 

I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.

Not turning back- I think of that as abandoning my faith or quitting a marriage. That's not what I'm talking about here- this turning back is just the ever so slight glimpse over my shoulder to see if I have made any mistakes, to find any places where I went to the left when I should have gone to the right.  Like buying airline tickets and thinking, "Wait, I didn't think this out very well."

Or, even worse, the bigger questions, the navel gazing that can keep me up at night- like, "I should have.... bugged him to go to the doctor earlier; recognized the depth of my depression and put my kids in school; sold the house sooner, not sold the house at all."  

Would any of those choices have kept my husband alive, 

my kids more secure,

 my world more safe?  

I hate making mistakes. I hate even wondering if I've made mistakes. But for this day I will choose-  Forgetting what lies behind..... I will press on toward the goal. 

In this case, the goal is small and.... huge. 

My goal is loving myself,  and forgiving myself, trusting Jesus to redeem my choices when I don't think it out as carefully as I could have.  Accepting the fact that I don't see the whole picture,  I don't get to be God.  Accepting that He is on the throne, I'm never going to get it perfect and life isn't safe anyway.  

But life is good.  

I'm growing. My kids are figuring out life and doing a good job. Bill got to heaven sooner than the rest of us.  And when I look around, I see the good. 

I see my son, MY SON... tenderly cherishing his brand new daughter.

I see myself snuggling a baby girl- for the rest of our lives together. 

 I see my son growing up to a kind man, a man engaged with his world.
Beginning to walk in hope. 

I see a lovely daughter becoming a great mother - a mother of  a busy little boy,
 a mother who loves well.
. 

And I always see my kids in the kitchen! 

And I don't look back.

Sidetracked by.... holidays, travel and FUN!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Enthusiastic Epiphany, etc. !

I enjoyed the Advent writings but as soon as I was on the road to Denver, it all went out the window. So much has happened-it's always a scramble to get out of South Dakota. I use the excuse of leaving to get my house in order- paperwork filed, insurance issues wrapped up, and of course, this year's Christmas presents wrapped up, too.  Last year we sent unwrapped gifts in Amazon boxes and sorted them as we opened them- it was a bit chaotic, to say the least.

This year it was just Drew and I in Denver for a beautiful "softly falling snow" Christmas Eve with my sister and family. Lovely time. Then after Christmas Day, we trekked off to Dallas and the airport where Paul had flown in from Seattle, and we headed south to Waco.  Abby, Steve and Josiah had driven from North Carolina via Chicago and were waiting at Scott and Lindsay's.  Who were busy with brand-new baby girl, Mariam Charis!


The wise men would be proud of our convergence.  They who followed the Star didn't have to deal with the Dallas-Fort Worth airport maze or Dallas metro traffic or an Arkansas ice storm.  Of course, they rode thousands of miles on swaying, spitting camels. Maybe it was an even match.


And while they were awestruck with the Babe they found, we were just grateful to be together. God created this idea of family- humans could have just made babies and wandered off separately to the jungle, bush, savanna, or cave.  But He who dwells in perfect communion as Father, Son and Holy Spirit also formed us to long for community- within the Body of Christ and for family- biological and created by marriage.



During our family time together, we cooked, we ate, we played games. We cuddled one small baby and "airplaned" the bigger sturdy one.  We provided time for some to see a movie, some to take a walk. We called from the grocery stores to check for recipes and preferences and cooked some more.   The gang was split between two houses and that maintained some sanity.

Yes, we did resort to electornic entertainment. Didn't last long!

And you are never too young to learn to cook with your uncle!

And one perfect evening as the babies slept, we sat and toasted each other. To long desired brothers- created by marriage. To the future and the plans God has for each family.  To love and laughter and fun together. To the man who started this whole process but is no longer here to enjoy his progeny.  It was a taste of heaven and I think Bill was there in whatever way the spirit world touches the material.



We may not always be aware of the veil that separates us from heaven but there are sweet times where it is as thin as it can be for us on this side.  I remember sitting and rubbing Bill's feet as he rested in the hospital bed.   We set it up in front of large double windows and we could gaze out at the forest.  Outside our home, leaves of the trees were turning to gold; inside, my husband was moving toward a new and golden Land.  It could have been a terrifying time, instead, I was so aware of the presence of heaven. It shimmered all around us and the veil was gossamer.  It was a moment of great peace and even contentment.



This holiday had its transcendent moments- glimpses of heaven, tastes of communion.




 A young mom nursed her newborn babe,  a new dad gazed tenderly at his daughter.




A sturdy, almost toddler baby grinned in glee as he poised briefly between couch and table- "Look at me, I'm becoming a little boy".  Brothers laughed at games and computer videos.  Passages were read from books or websites, ideas were discussed.  Gifts were given and received. We communed with one another.







Unlike heaven, we also had some sleepless nights, baby spit-up and drool on our clothes, annoying head colds and unmet expectations.  Winter in the middle of Texas is about as dull as you can imagine and a cold rain kept us from a hike in the hills of the local park.

 Babies cried, parents were frustrated and this grandmother got lost driving the two miles to "he-who-needs-no-sleep" on her early morning rescue mission. 






Heaven is fleeting here on this earth.














But on that first Christmas so long ago, Jesus came down and visited this place. Now He continues the redemption of His creation, of us. The mistakes made in families can become lessons in our lives.  Our character can be transformed by His Spirit- patience grows, gratitude is practiced, kindness is chosen.  There are always second chances for the ones we love.

 Family is the garden to cultivate grace.









In this new year, may we be more aware than ever of the sweet moments when our  attention is drawn...

.... by His presence, by His beauty, by His love.    In our families, wherever they are.