Seeing Dimly....

It's been fourteen days since the emergency surgery to reattach my retina.  Last night I lay on my stomach to keep the bubble of gas inserted in my eyeball positioned correctly, and thus, keep the healing retina attached.  And I listened to a wonderful NPR interview with the past United States poet laureate, Ted Kooser. I've met Mr. Kooser and love his voice and his perspective on the Midwest values he treasures and honors with his poetry.  The interview included phone calls from listeners and one was especially poignant.

A German war bride wistfully asked if his experience growing up in the same location as previous family generations, knowing their homestead, fishing in the same river your ancestors had traveled when they looked for land- did those experiences make life richer? As she listened to his poetry, she said she was flooded with memories of her childhood in Germany. While she's immensely grateful for her life in America, she wondered.  Had she missed something?  She looked back at life... and saw dimly.

I'm looking at the present and seeing dimly- through a bubble of gas that floats and bobs a bit and obscures any clear vision.  Slowly I'm seeing more-all fuzzy but still, the shape of a hand, blocks of brilliant color as the sun floods a playroom, translucent plastic bath toys in a sunlight window. My body is already absorbing the bubble and will eventually be gone. My retina will again have a clear line of light from the pupil. Images will be clearer. I'll see as I don't see now.



All of us look back at our pasts, and forward toward our futures with obscured vision. We wonder, with our German/American friend- would my life have been richer if I had done...., will I have less regrets if I chose....?

Having my vision threatened has brought something I took for granted to prominence. For a few days the potential loss of my sight dominated my thoughts and emotions.  But in those quiet hours laying on my stomach, my thoughts are also of sight and vision in larger sense.  

What floats between me and a healthy vision of my life, past and future? 

Fears?  Expectations? Regrets? 

We can take for granted the current view of our reality but when that reality is threatened by 

chaos, calamity or contention, what is our response? 

Do we really see as clearly as we think we do? 

What if reality is obscured? 

Seen through a fog of unknowing? 

In the Bible, Paul said we see dimly, as through a mirror. The Amplified Bible has interesting wording of I Corinthians 13:12-

¹² For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God].

I'm looking forward to seeing more clearly again or at least not having a continual fog on the right side distracting me.  But I also want to keep thinking about a less obvious fog, a less visible barrier between me and a full life of trust and joy.  I want to look forward with faith to the time when I will fully understand how my past experiences and my future choices were all part of a beautiful mosaic. 

 I can only peer dimly, as through a mist, at the present.