In the end.... the words of Love

I never considered myself a feminist- I was trying to fill out a bra when other women were burning theirs. But recently I came face to face with patriarchy in all its assumed power and I was really pissed off. My intuition and research and thoughtful words spoken into a touchy family issue of elder care were all dismissed. After a quick one-time visit, the men in the situation were convinced that all was well. The man in charge has it well in hand, his records are orderly, the apartment is clean- "Butt out, sister". In this case, it's more "butt out, cousin", because I am not actually a daughter or a sister. I was informed that even if I were a daughter-in-law, I "wouldn't get a vote". Just writing that paragraph gets my blood pressure up and my stomach in a twist.

Informing me in this particular confrontation is my knowledge of the history- family disputes, alcoholism, greed, cognitive decline and the like- all quite irrelevant to my heart's response. I was hurt. I was dismissed. I was not valued. I was put in my place. And I dug into past occasions of being dismissed- by my father ("Learn to type, at least you could be a secretary.") and my husband ("You don't know anything about fiances. What will you do after I'm gone?"). I'm not enough, I'm not one of "them", the powerful, the knowing, the competent.


In my new writing discipline, I examined  my thoughts as they flow out and I write on the emotions under the thoughts.   For this entire week I kept writing- "Did I do enough? Could I have said it in a more winsome way? Do I have any rights to be part of the solution?" Why aren't my thoughts and points valid even if I'm only a cousin. Why should these dysfunctional men have all the rights even if they're the sons?"

My first conclusion is this isn't worth it. I'm going to quit trying, Maybe I'm wrong anyway, maybe I didn't see what I thought I saw.  I'm going to keep my thoughts to myself next time. I'm going to protect my feelings.

I doubt myself so quickly. I'd rather be blissfully ignorant hiking in my Hills than attacked and emotionally wounded. Clearly I'm not articulate or I would have been listened to. Why can't I defend myself?

Can you see my thoughts spiraling down, down? I can think myself right into a dark hole. A hole of self-doubt and regret and anxiety. I wasn't sleeping- my thoughts were dominated with what happened, why, and more why. When I'm down and out and confused, I need someone who can hear my heart, I need my sister. My sister- the rational voice into my jumbled thoughts. The brain of my heart. As usual she cut to the crux of the matter.

"He doesn't deserve anymore of your energy.

This is an emotional pinball machine and he's pulling all the levers.

Take your ball and leave."

Wisely she asked,  "What was your intent for the visit? Did those people hear your voice, need your words?  Did you support another woman  who was also trying to help?  The important message was the word of Love and you spoke it."

Yes. Yes. Yes. I spoke love and concern and "I'm on your side. I'm here if you need me." I supported the other woman even closer to the situation than I am. To her my words and actions said, "I support you. I see your heart. I know your intentions."  To my elderly cousins- much loved, more like a dear aunt and uncle, I'm the daughter of their heart since they only had boys- those two dear ones know I love them, know I care, know I am watching and cannot be dismissed. My words were heard, my message was received.

The patriarchy can continue in my extended family, the men can think they know best and make the best decisions.  But I know- words and actions of love and compassion trump any attitude of dismissal. I wasn't dismissed by the ones I went to love, I wasn't ignored or demeaned.  I was loved in return, I was heard and I heard them.  In the end, the ones who dominate and determine can continue their ways, I stand strong and more confident than ever that the word of Love wins in the end.